Mike's Decorating Style and Why He Needs to Get a Job

Because Mike is home now more often, way more often, way, way more often, he is now compelled to offer suggestions regarding decorating. For all intents and purposes, our marriage has worked for so long because we know our place in the house. I made the decisions and Mike carried out the work.

Now Mike is actually poring over decorating magazines and watching HGTV. It's really annoying. Especially when his comments on HGTV are more along the line of "How many square feet do you think that walk-in closet is?" "What do you think that tool is that they are using to square off the new counters?" "Is engineered wood floor a better choice than bamboo?"

When my friend Betsey and I used to watch it, these were our comments: "What an idiot, doesn't she know she can paint?" "He's such a moron of a husband," or "I really like David but I think he's gay." These are the kinds of comments that should be made while watching HGTV.

Mike spent ALL day Saturday drawing out plans for the house AND he made me go through the whole house with him. I wanted to kill him at the end of the day, or at least hire a couple of cousins I have that would for a small fee. At two in the afternoon I started drinking, which was a good thing since by then he had gotten to our bedroom and wanted to know if I wanted the entrance to the TajMahal closet here or there? I felt like Sam I am - "I don't, I don't, I really don't like green ham." I told him I want a place to hang my clothes and put my shoes. He looks at me like I have no imagination.

Here's what's bizarre, all these years I looked at HIM like that. I figured that's why he stuck with the Forest Service for thirty years - he had no imagination. Now I realize that with retirement his imagination has surfaced and I am being punished for not giving him credit for his long-buried creativity. I feel like he did when I would talk to him about paint hues and fabrics and ambiance. My eyes glaze over and I start thinking about going to the kitchen to get something to eat (or in Mike's case, and all husband's cases, he started thinking about sex.)

I appreciate my husband, I really do. But what happened to the man I loved and adored who nodded absent-mindedly when I chattered endlessly about the bathroom remodel? I used to think that my move to Granby, Colorado was a punishment for something horrible I did in another life, but now I may have to reconsider that finally, after all my years of talking (read "nagging") he's finally listening to me and his decorating interests are my true punishment.

Seriously, you have to be careful what you wish for.