I hate Christmas letters. You know, the ones that come tucked into Christmas cards on merrily decorated paper. I used to automatically throw them away when I opened the cards. Mike accused me of censoring the mail. I responded that I was only censoring for his own good. I am now no longer allowed to open Christmas cards.
I am tired of hearing how perfect everyone's kids are; volleyball star, straight As, prom king, state track star, volunteering for the sick, poor and blind. Every kid has their own paragraph; pity the reader if the braggart has more than two kids. Nobody's kids are like that.
One time we received a Christmas letter from a couple with no kids - this was before I was banned from opening the cards. I was kind of excited - what could I learn? How will they entertain me? What is it like to have no kids? It was two pages, single spaced, on their house remodeling. I've never even been in their house so why are they telling me this? I heard about the "near disaster" with the toilet. The "funny" story of how her husband put the hammer through the wall. How the new tile looks in the kitchen (apparently they made the right choice between the dark gray and the light gray).
We used to get a Christmas letter from an acquaintance of ours that rhymed. She had four children, one husband and a dog. Each individual received a rhyming paragraph. I took that one to school and read it out loud in our office - all of us English teachers were practically peeing our pants on how bad her poetry was. By the way, NOTHING rhymes with orange so if that is your child's school colors and somehow you think I'm interested in that, you should lie and change the colors - you can find more words that rhyme with blue or red.
For once I'd like a Christmas letter that spoke the truth. Something like "Dear People I Never Keep in Touch With Except Once a Year, we've had a pretty good year except that Billy Bob lost his job at the pickle factory. Too much drinking on the job I guess. Sally Mae didn't make the cheerleading team this year - the school she's going to now doesn't let girls who are pregnant cheer, kind of a bummer for her but she's thinking of getting her GED anyhow, so I guess it'll all work out. Bubba got a job at the Exxon gas station - we're real proud of him, he gets discounts on Nacho and cheese and has a shirt with his name on it. Got a new hand dug well this past summer and while we were at it we went ahead and put brand new shiny skirting on our mobile. Our place is lookin' real good. I planted me some geraniums that I been raising in cans I picked up free at the dump. It adds a splash of color that gets me happy every time I pull up the blinds. We're hoping for snow this Christmas, it always makes the freezer in the yard blend in real nice. If you're ever out this way, stop by and have you some Nachos and a cold beer. Merry Christmas All!"
Now that's a Christmas letter I'd read.
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