Usually I'm a fairly organized person when it comes to Christmas. Not because I'm a fairly organized person, but because I hate to shop - the Internet was designed for loser people like me. But this year I found myself shopping for Christmas on December 23. Not for presents (already ordered, delivered and wrapped) but for food for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning. Thus I was at Fred Meyers on December 23, four in the afternoon with the other procrastinators, people with Alzheimer's and men.
If that wasn't painful enough people WERE NOT following the rules of grocery shopping. I try to give men a break, after all, not many of them understand how a grocery store works so I smile piteously at them and give them wide berth with my cart as they're on the phones with their wives/girlfriends/mother-in-laws trying to understand the difference between canned whole cranberries and canned cranberry jelly.
These are the rules of grocery shopping.
Rule Number One- you do not talk on your cell phone while grocery shopping unless you are a man (see above). There are multiple reasons for doing this- the most obvious is that it annoys the hell out of me. Secondly, everyone can hear your conversation and unless you are the president you are not important enough to continue your inane conversation in the grocery store. Thirdly, people who talk on the phone do not pay attention to the seriousness of grocery shopping. They leave their cart in the middle of the aisle, they stop in the middle of the aisle to exclaim into their cell, "Oh my gosh, are you kidding????" and they do not know that some people are waiting patiently (not me) to get by them.
Rule Number Two- stay on the correct side of the aisle. The right side of the aisle is to go down and the left side is to go up. Do not attempt to pass unless there is plenty of passing room. Do not veer your cart to the wrong side when you finally find bagged walnuts. Do not smile stupidly when you are caught on the wrong side - you know you're on the wrong side so quit pretending you don't.
Rule Number Three- if it says 10 or less items, that's what it means. Do not act like you can't count. A two year old can count to ten. Do not try to explain that 12 bags of oranges are just one item since they are all oranges - that's not how it works and you know it. You can only go in the 10 or less aisle with more than 10 items if the checker invites you, otherwise stand in line like the rest of us and if you continue to ignore this rule, remember-God is watching.
I think if we are to all follow these three simple rules our lives will be much fulfilled and harmony will enter our souls.
And if they keep giving out wine samples at the back of the store like they were last night, our lives will also be much fulfilled and harmony will enter our souls. (On a side-note, do not send your 14 year old to get you more samples of wine - they're kind of stickler about rules.)
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