Yeah, a Job Interview

A community college in Oregon, who will remain nameless at this present time, called me yesterday for an interview. I was just telling a friend of mine, who is also on the job search walk, that I can no longer write a cover letter to save my life. I used to think I was a fairly adept writer and...I actually like to write. But no longer. My cover letters, if read all at once, would show me to be a schizophrenic, bi-polar, highly educated but flighty and in transient person. I guess that last one worked. I don't even remember what it was about except some vague thing about showing up to college with no money or something like that.

At any rate, it worked. They called and without jinxing my chances at this job, I think I would be perfect for it. Of course, at this point in my life, I think I'd also be perfect serving coffee at a drive-thru.

It's an all day interview. Really. Starting at 9:30 and going until 2:30. I even have to eat lunch with them. My friend Laura advised me to not eat soup since I'll probably spill it. My friend Linda said not to order anything with tomatoes since if I do spill it, it will stain. My friend Jean said to not drink any water or I'll have to go to the bathroom.

I'm extremely concerned about having to be polite and interested and considerate and smart for five hours. On a long term basis, I don't have those qualities. On a long-term basis I have sarcasm, cynicism and arrogance. This is going to be a long day for me.

I also have to do a presentation which they promised they'd send today, but they haven't. So now I'm in a state of panic. Maybe they've changed their mind? Maybe they read my cover letter again and realized I'm a rambling idiot? Maybe they found someone who is not a sarcastic cynic? Maybe they only called me because I filled in the box that said "Race? American Indian" and they decided they had enough Indians hanging around and they're tired of us all?

My friend Alicia said I need to visualize myself on the job the first day. My first day visualization is that I won't be able to find my office.

I don't know what to wear. My friend Laura said I should wear slacks since I'm going to be walking around the campus and if I wear heels I'll probably trip and break my ankle and then they'll have to hire me so I won't sue them.

My friend  Alicia said I should wear a dress with a small print, not pastel, and wear pumps and a 3/4 linen jacket (what's a 3/4 linen jacket?) She says she wishes she was there to help me pick out the appropriate outfit. I do too.

I have an emergency call in to my friend Sam who is extremely knowledgeable in all things stylish (again, I have no idea why she's my friend.) She hasn't called me back, but I'm going to take Sam's advice, no matter what it is, since she always looks good, even in her zebra pajamas.

Think good thoughts for me since I'm pretty sure I'll blow it by laughing and having food come out my nose or getting my skirt stuck in the chair or going to the bathroom and getting toilet paper stuck on my brand new pumps.

If I can make it through this I know I'll be great for this job!