Conversing With a 14 Year Old

Currently Ian has two words in his extensive vocabulary - what and who. These words can be used interchangeably. These words can change in stress. These words can last for 11 seconds. He doesn't say "Why," he says, "WWWWWHHHHHYYYYY" changing pitch at the end. He doesn't say "what, " he says, "WWWWHHHHAAAATTTT," again changing pitch at the end. Both words can last, as I said, up to eleven seconds, maybe more. I don't know, I've usually left the room by then.

Both words can be used to respond to any "conversation" and most often are used when talking to a parent figure. I don't want to say parent, because I think Ian would like to think he doesn't have parents and was born from the Virgin Mary (and we aren't even Catholic).

Here's a typical conversation with Ian:

Me - "Ian, did you brush your teeth?"
Ian - "WWWWHHHHYYY," or "WWWWHHHATTT."

Me-"Can you let the dogs in?"
Ian -"WWWWHHHHYYYY" or "WWWWHHHHHAAATTT."

Don't bother staying calm and collected and answering with a legitimate response, like,

Me-"Ian, did you brush your teeth?"
Ian - "WWWWHHHYYYY,"
Me - "Because if you don't your teeth will rot and the $6,000 worth of braces will be for nothing and don't think I won't take it out of your savings, because I will. "

Me - "Ian, can you let the dogs in?"
Ian - "WWWWHHHHAAAATTTT?"
Me - "Ian, can you let the dogs in?"
Ian - "Ggggeeeezzzz, do I have to do everything around here?"
Me- "Yes, you have to do everything around here, including the laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning the house and feeding the chickens and the dogs and the horses and the cats and shoveling snow off the deck and going to the post office and working at the library, so yes, you have to do everything around here."

Try and respond to a 14 year old without sarcasm. It cannot be done. The only way to live through the next four years with a 14 year old, 15 year old, 16 year old, 17 year old and possibly 18 year old (which makes it five years) is to respond with sarcasm and drink.

Trust me, I've been through this before. The best part of my day is when I drop Ian off at track and make Mike go pick him up. Oh yes, another good part of the day is when Ian is asleep. Mike thinks I should wake him at 7:30 am and begin school at 8:00 am. Mike says this as he's walking out the door to his job where there are no 14 year olds.

My saving grace is that I know when Ian turns 22, like Jordan is now, he will miraculously transform into a person again.

Until then it's sarcasm and drink.