Our First Track Meet with Ian

Ian attended his first track meet today which was in Kremmling, which is about 20 miles west of here. Kremmling is past Byers Canyon, and even though it's in the same county as Granby, which is this side of Byers Canyon, it may as well be in another world, a better world. It has  good schools (they just received the Governor's Award for Excellence) they have a feed store and they're closer to Target. Plus, I like the principal of this school; I'd never argue with him during a district board meeting or walk down another aisle in the grocery store if he was in it. In fact, I work closely with him with our GED program; he's smart, passionate about education and makes fun of the fact that I can never figure out my cell phone; I'd work for him in a minute.

So that's where Mike and I spent most of Saturday-sitting on hard metal bleachers cheering Ian and all the rest of the middle-schoolers, through the wind, cold and sometimes hail. As I mentioned, it's spring in the Rockies which means 60 degrees one day (swimsuit weather for us) and seven inches of snow the next.
The Rocky Mountain Bluebirds have returned, which means Spring really, really is here, it just may not look like it.

Ian was in the 4x400, which is a relay race. Mike and I attended the Track Events in the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles. The middle schoolers, well, let's just say they don't quite pass the baton like Carl Lewis and his teammates did. In fact, the runner (and I use that term loosely) right before Ian, kept switching baton hands and pulling up his shorts, which is how Ian's team came in last.

The kids, boys and girls, spend a lot of time looking around while they're running and adjusting their clothes. One girl, who was already last, stopped and pulled her bra strap back up, which even made her more last...if there is such a thing. One young boy, again last, waved to his parents when he ran (again, I'm using this term loosely) by the bleachers.

Ian also went in the 400 meter relay, which is one very long lap around. Ian was almost not last, he missed this by about one second, but he was really excited about being almost not last. The good thing about Ian is he always keeps going. He's into the social part of teams; he's always in the middle of girls and they're playing with his hair or giving him part of his lunch. He's always in the middle of the boys pushing and shoving and grappling and mauling like boys do when there's more than one of them. He likes to ride home on the bus and he always loves practice.

I hope he keeps this same attitude when he goes to a public school next year. He's not tired of school with homeschooling and he's ready to socialize. But Ian is also a lot like me. I like people, really, but not a whole bunch of them in my house and not for a long time and especially not if they're boring and maybe not very smart or they don't read except for the Bible and Christian Literature; do you know how hard it is to get a rise out of someone who only reads stuff with a moral? It's hard, trust me, I try all the time, I mean, I do live in Granby, "Headquarters of the Midwest if You Don't Live in the Midwest."

Ian didn't win any medals but he had a good time and he couldn't wait to get home (on the bus), shower and head to his friend's house and ski tomorrow.

Ah...life in The Rockies.

Conversing With a 14 Year Old

Currently Ian has two words in his extensive vocabulary - what and who. These words can be used interchangeably. These words can change in stress. These words can last for 11 seconds. He doesn't say "Why," he says, "WWWWWHHHHHYYYYY" changing pitch at the end. He doesn't say "what, " he says, "WWWWHHHHAAAATTTT," again changing pitch at the end. Both words can last, as I said, up to eleven seconds, maybe more. I don't know, I've usually left the room by then.

Both words can be used to respond to any "conversation" and most often are used when talking to a parent figure. I don't want to say parent, because I think Ian would like to think he doesn't have parents and was born from the Virgin Mary (and we aren't even Catholic).

Here's a typical conversation with Ian:

Me - "Ian, did you brush your teeth?"
Ian - "WWWWHHHHYYY," or "WWWWHHHATTT."

Me-"Can you let the dogs in?"
Ian -"WWWWHHHHYYYY" or "WWWWHHHHHAAATTT."

Don't bother staying calm and collected and answering with a legitimate response, like,

Me-"Ian, did you brush your teeth?"
Ian - "WWWWHHHYYYY,"
Me - "Because if you don't your teeth will rot and the $6,000 worth of braces will be for nothing and don't think I won't take it out of your savings, because I will. "

Me - "Ian, can you let the dogs in?"
Ian - "WWWWHHHHAAAATTTT?"
Me - "Ian, can you let the dogs in?"
Ian - "Ggggeeeezzzz, do I have to do everything around here?"
Me- "Yes, you have to do everything around here, including the laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning the house and feeding the chickens and the dogs and the horses and the cats and shoveling snow off the deck and going to the post office and working at the library, so yes, you have to do everything around here."

Try and respond to a 14 year old without sarcasm. It cannot be done. The only way to live through the next four years with a 14 year old, 15 year old, 16 year old, 17 year old and possibly 18 year old (which makes it five years) is to respond with sarcasm and drink.

Trust me, I've been through this before. The best part of my day is when I drop Ian off at track and make Mike go pick him up. Oh yes, another good part of the day is when Ian is asleep. Mike thinks I should wake him at 7:30 am and begin school at 8:00 am. Mike says this as he's walking out the door to his job where there are no 14 year olds.

My saving grace is that I know when Ian turns 22, like Jordan is now, he will miraculously transform into a person again.

Until then it's sarcasm and drink.

The Depressing Art of Looking for a Job

I have been looking for a job in Oregon for about two months now. I'm discouraged. I know, many people across this great nation of ours have been looking for a job for six or seven years. The problem with me is that I'm not used to rejection and it's starting to affect my self-esteem and for those of you who know me, my self-esteem is quite high. I'm the person who is always surprised to find out someone doesn't like me; I think there must be something wrong with them because it couldn't possibly be me.

But job hunting has been demanding on my ego and my patience. I am to the point where I just may call one of these obviously stupid department heads and demand why they haven't hired me immediately. I have come to the conclusion that they aren't looking at my brilliantly wrought cover letters or my impeccable resume or the glowing references I've bribed people to write.

I received one rejection email (which has become another pet peeve of mine...rejection emails???Not even a rejection letter on thick letterhead??) that said I did not have the degree necessary. Apparently a Masters in Humanities is not the same as a Masters in English...did the woman even look at the transcripts I spent $40 getting to her? It's the same thing. I had a sarcastic and beautifully written email response to her, but Mike came in and nicely suggested that I not send it. I put it in my draft folder - I may still need it.

One community college (which shall remain un-named in case part of it catches on fire for some unknown reason) has been posting the same job for two months, with no closing date and nothing to indicate that the Human Resource People even look at the applications. It says "Teacher Pool," and I figure that if the department needs another teacher the head of this department just hangs his or her head out his office door and says, "Hey Bill, you want to teach another writing class next semester?" They aren't looking for more teachers - they are all just sitting around reading the sweat-and-tears cover letters in the faculty room during lunch and posting the ones they find the most hilarious on the wall.

I'm applying for a job at another community college who shall also remain un-named for the same above reason, that wants a "Statement of Philosophy on Teaching at a Community College." I'm a pretty decent BS'er, but even I don't know what to write. I don't even know what it means. I've been churning ideas around in my head regarding this and so far this is all I have: Community Colleges accept anyone (they're kind of like the Cherokees - they take anyone and if you ever run into anyone who thinks their great-grandmother on their cousin Jake's side was Indian - it'll be a Cherokee, trust me. ), they're a good place for students to hang out if they don't know what they want to do, they're a good place for older men to date younger girls and they're cheap (the colleges, not the girls...well, maybe the girls too.) I'm pretty sure this is not what they want to hear.

I'll probably write something that means absolutely nothing and send it to my friend Laura, who will then fix it for me and I'll then get the job (or maybe she'll get the job?)

Mike says I should call the department heads and talk to them. He says most people like me right off the bat (I think there must be something more implied in that, but my ego is suffering, so I didn't want to pursue the "right off the bat" idea...then what, they don't??) I think I might do this for one job. I'd really like it but I don't have a Masters in Social Development ( what the heck is that?) but I would be good at the job. It's all about developing programs which I love especially if I can get someone else to do the work.

I know that the right job will come  (tell that to the people who've been looking for seven years) but it is discouraging. Especially since I think I'm a better teacher than most teachers...see what I mean about high self-esteem? But I'll keep pursuing and pursuing and try not to send off a nasty sarcastic email, at least until I get a job. Then it'll read something like" Dear Ms. Head of Your Stupid Department, I'm sorry for you that I didn't get the job. I'm now working at (fill in the blank) at a salary of $100,000 per year and don't have to go to any meetings unless I call them. Too bad for you that now your department will always be merely mediocre. Oh well, I'll see you at the Awards Ceremony.  Sincerely, Gina Ricketts, Head of All of the Colleges in Oregon."

Looking at Houses in Bend

I've been spending a lot of time online looking at houses and jobs in Bend. I think it would be kind of fun to be a realtor; you'd get to go into people's homes and see how they live. Basically I'm a snoop. I'm the kind of person when I come to your home and use the bathroom, I look in the medicine cabinet. This is how I found out that one of my acquaintance's husband was using Viagra. I thought she looked a little harried.

I also think looking at homes keeps me motivated. Yesterday it was sunny and 60 degrees, today it's cold and so far we've accumulated seven inches of snow. The only word for snow in April is sad, very, very sad. I know in Bend it is sunny and there is green grass and tulips and daffodils are starting to come up. Here there is white, white and more white. No self-respecting vegetation is even thinking of coming up.

Ian and I finally finished reading the Iliad and the Odyssey. I'm  very confused as to why teachers still insist on this book. First of all, who can pronounce the names. Secondly, who can spell the names. I always tried to convince my high school students that they would need this information (whatever information we happened to be learning at the time.) but I'm fairly certain that, unless Ian goes on Jeopardy, he won't need any of the information to be found in these two books, or novels, or epics or whatever THEY are calling them.

I read the entire two "books" out loud to him. Towards the middle I started just reading the first sentence in each paragraph and moving on to the next and so on and so on. We took the test and he got a 92%, which shows you that two-thirds of this book was entirely unnecessary. When he was little and I read to him in bed, I'd sometimes try to get by with the above method. This was because I was either tired  and wanted to go to bed or I was tired of reading the book twelve times in one night. This method never worked then; Ian would stop me and say, "That's not how it goes." He never did that with the Iliad. Of course, he had never read it before, but I also think that even though I left out most of the book and many times my skipping entire paragraphs made no sense, he didn't really care. This was not the kind of adventure book he liked.

Sometimes I think the VIPs who create curriculum just say things like, "Well, we need to include The Odyssey," and no one in the room says "Why? That's a stupid book." We educators seem to think that certain authors, books, etc. are sacrilegious and MUST be included in any educated person's reading list. I say we get rid of Faulkner (who has no idea what a comma is), James Joyce (plain boring and again with the weird names), and most of Shakespeare except for the ones that have bloody battles and incest and murderous women.

We should replace them with books like "Holes," which has two evil villains, male and female, lizards who can kill you, mystery, desert and, if you watch the movie, a great theme song. "Hatchet" is another one - the kid almost drowns in a lake, the airplane pilot dies, he gets attacked by a moose and has to eat turtle eggs, seriously, what kid doesn't like a story like this? Or any of the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid," series - you have a dorky seventh grader, an even dorkier friend, an obnoxious older and younger brother, lots of gross body jokes and inept teachers.

If I was a textbook designer these are the kinds of books I'd include in a reading text. If anyone was interested in Shakespeare or Salinger or Emily Dickinson and her whiny poems I'd direct them to the Internet. I mean, isn't the Internet where you go to find completely useless information?